Abilene to Clovis*

Miles Traveled: 266 (not including being lost)

Car Hours: 5 (including being lost)

Miles per Gallon: 30.669

Best Speed Trap: 1-20 exit Noodle Dome Road

Best Proper Noun: Noodle Dome Road

Honorable Mention: Earth, Texas

Best Bumper Sticker: "Save a mouse, eat a pussy." Stay classy, black Dodge Ram.

Most Representative Landscape: Garza County. Scrubby fields of pumpjacks overlooked by a mesa full of wind turbines.

* I made this drive a couple days ago, but got distracted with the awesome of New Mexico, including Carlsbad Caverns and flat enchiladas with green chili sauce and a fried egg.

Top ten things I missed about Texas.

10) Texas-sized parking spaces. If you can't back your F-350 into it, it's not a parking space. 'Compact' spaces will fit an F-250. What's the point if Grandma can't get her Cadillac in on the first try? Priuses are for pinko commies from Austin. REAL MEN GUZZLE GAS.

9) The churching. I think I passed about twelve in Muleshoe alone. First Baptist, First Methodist, Church of Christ, Catholic Iglesias, little Bible churches, etc., etc. Texans wear their faith on their sleeve. It's a little overwhelming at first, but at least you know where you stand. And where you stand is about two lots away from God, at any given moment.

8) Terms of endearment are for everyone. Sugar, hon, sweetheart, these are all valid substitutes for sir, ma'am, you over there, and just about anything else.

7) The accents! I understand why non-native Texans start at a disadvantage. It's hard to get by when you can't decipher the slang. "She's just so very Dallas" carries a WORLD of meaning all by itself.

6) People will talk to anybody about anything. Conversation is not optional. In Seattle, folks looked at me like I had a second head when I tried to chat with the cashier. Here, it's rude not to.

5) Men in uniform. I know, I know. I'm debauched.

4) NICE. I missed it. A manager at Starbucks comped my coffee when he realized I'd have to wait for it. It's not store policy anymore (DUMB), but his nice got the better of him. Oh, and I got a free mini-scone, too. NICE. It can't be overrated.

3) Being ogled. In Seattle, you'd never when you're being looked at. It's weak, Seattleites! Step up your game. In San Antonio, I got whistled at by a pro. At Starbucks, a cowboy tipped his hat to me and winked. Walking down Soledad street, I got the up-and-down plus a little weird kissy noise. Was it borderline offensive? Yes, yes it was. Was it ambiguous? Subtle as a freight train.

2) Spanish! I didn't realize how much I missed hearing it spoken on the streets. To me, it's as much a part of Texas as the weather.

1) The landscape. It's big. Flat plains of grass, hills of mesquite, green rivers, and mesas studded with wind turbines overlooking oil fields. It's epic in every single way.

San Antonio to Abilene

Miles Traveled: 246

Car Hours: 4

Miles per Gallon: 29.5 (city miles) and 30.26

Standardized Tests Taken: The GRE

Best Proper Noun: NOVICE FIRE DEPARTMENT (Novice, as it turns out, is the name of the town)

Audio Books Finished: Child 44. I took a break from Americana to read an awesome detective novel about Stalinist Russia. Which reminded me how glad I am to be an American. I've just started The Pirate Coast, which is about America's first black ops mission in Tripoli--as in 'the shores of Tripoli'. Wherein a grand military tradition was established: the Navy fucks things up royally and the Marines clean up the mess. Apparently, one Captain Bainbridge was given command of the Philadelphia, despite the fact that he had already surrendered once. Anyway, while Philadelphia was doing her best impression of a one-ship blockade, Bainbridge ran her onto a reef. Without taking soundings, he decided to attempt to drive over the reef by unfurling all his canvas. He beached the ship higher. Then, he cut loose all of the bow anchors, moved all the cannon aft, and chopped down the forward mast. No dice. So he surrendered. They drowned the powder, drilled holes in the hull, and raised the white flag. The pirates, meanwhile, had been harassing them, but never fired a shot. Why? Well, after the ship was evacuated and all of the sailors sold into slavery, night fell. The tide came in and the ship floated free. The Navy couldn't even scuttle her right.

Minnesota

I'm woefully behind on pictures. I'm going to be working on that today, during study breaks.



HOMG! Plum Creek! Can you imagine living next to it in a dugout the size of two parking spaces? With a height of about five feet?






These are the ACTUAL BANKS OF PLUM CREEK!!!






Walnut Grove is, of course, the town where the Ingalls family lived. It was also the setting for the entire run of the TV show Little House on the Prairie. Her little brother, who died when he was ten months old, was born here. It's also the home of the Laura Ingalls Wilder Museum, which is where I bought my bonnet.






When I left Minneapolis, the weather looked like this.






But it made the small towns so beautiful, I didn't really care.






See what I mean?

Texas and Health Care Reform

From The Houston Chronicle

Here are the facts:

• • Families USA recently found that health insurance premiums for Texas families have increased 92 percent — more than 4.5 times faster than income.

• • The US Census Bureau reports that with 24.5 percent of our citizens without health insurance, Texas has the nation's highest rate of uninsured.

• • The American Medical Association ranks Texas 43rd in the number of doctors per capita and reports that more than half of Texas counties have an acute shortage of primary care physicians. This critical scarcity of physicians compelled lawmakers to raise taxes earlier this year to fund projects designed to attract physicians to rural areas.

• • Texas Medicare spending is growing 16 percent faster than the national average. In fact, 10 of the 15 health markets with the highest Medicare spending per enrollee are in states in which the medical and insurance industries successfully lobbied for severe limits on patient rights. Four of the nation's most expensive health markets are right here in Texas.

This is hardly a ringing endorsement for Texas as a model for the nation.

From Bay Area Houston

In 2003 the Republican controlled Texas house ushered in sweeping tort reform, limiting medical malpractice suits to $250,000. These limits were supported by the insurance industry, some of the medical community, and their front groups calling themselves “Texans” and “Citizens” against lawsuit abuse. As they are doing today with national health care reform, they promised lower health care costs, lower insurance rates, and expanded health care availability. Instead, Texas has the highest rate of uninsured in the nation and our cost of health care and insurance has skyrocketed out of control. Tort reform didn’t work in Texas. It won’t work on the national level either.

Rabid Republican and former Texas Congressman Dick Armey is now spearheading the 'tea-bagger' movement against health care reform. This is what we call 'privilege'.

Dallas to San Antonio

Miles Traveled: 300

Car Hours: 5

Miles per Gallon: 29.543 (Dallas driving) and 31.345 (much better)

Best Proper Noun: Pflugerville. I bet it's a lot of pfun living there.

Temperature: High of 76F (24.4C)

Humidity: 68%

Most Nostalgic Element: 102.1 the Edge. Jessie is still doing the three o'clock threesome! And the signal came in loud and clear until Hillsboro. Impressive.

Resemblance to Dallas: eerie. I stopped at Pei Wei for dinner yesterday. And it could have been a shopping center in Plano. They had a Merle Norman. A MERLE NORMAN. I thought that was some freak Dallas phenomenon. I was wrong.

I'll have some pictures up later, after I've studied a little for this GRE business.

Oh yeah! I fixed the commenting thing. Sorry about that. Swedes and computers.

...and the iMeme rolls on.

See the supporting evidence here.

RELATED: a classic Colbert clip.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Better Know a District - Lynn Westmoreland Update
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Michael Moore

Des Moines to Dallas

Miles Traveled: 760

Car Hours: 12

Miles per Gallon: 32.8, 33.79

States: Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas

Best Proper Noun: Sanger, TX. I couldn't help wondering if my favorite Red State knew they were naming their town after a hero of feminism and women's health care. Suckers.

Best Rest Stop: Southbound I-35 in Blackwell, Oklahoma. The counters were granite. There was a tourism bureau lady, in a wood paneled lobby. Also, there was a National Guard member outside with an adorable dog. A+

Best Car: Maroon suburban with OU flags flying and a message written on the back window: "HONK IF YOU EAT BEEF!"

Iowa City to Des Moines

Miles Traveled: 115

Car Hours: 2

Miles per Gallon: 34.0

Best Proper Noun: Montezuma, IA. (Prairie City, that I understand. But...Montezuma?)

Random Life Decision: Really, who wouldn't want to take the GRE in the middle of a road trip? I mean come on.

and people wonder why my generation gets their news online.

OTHER PLACES TO GET NEWS:

Rachel Maddow (the sanest news anchor on TV)

Crooks and Liars (politics, with fact checking)

Jezebel (women, feminism, and the mass media)

The Daily Show (for media criticism and slapstick comedy)

The Colbert Report (for media criticism via slapstick comedy)

Any other suggestions? I mean, for the love of dog, the media is just crazy making.

South Dakota

Snow...I feel like I'm becoming kind of a frozen precipitation magnet.



It's the main drag in Deadwood! And it's still snowing.



Ah yes. The not-so-Black Hills. Very pretty, if a little slow going in the slush.



And it didn't look like I was going to get a break, weather-wise. So I elected to ditch my Mt. Rushmore plans and get back to I-90. And of course, as soon as I got on the freeway, the sun came out.



De Smet! Home of Laura Ingalls Wilder and her husband "Manly"!



One awesome thing about South Dakota: the bumper stickers. Better even than Texas.

Minneapolis to Coralville (provided you are contrary...)

Miles Traveled: 270

Car hours: 5.5

States: Two

Miles per gallon: 31.34

Best Proper Noun: Spring Valley, MN. [Sentimental reasons]

Weather: Big, fat, wet, non-sticky snow.

Words of Wisdom:

People, if you go out to a Zombie Pub Crawl and one of the undead offers you food and beverage of unknown provenance, JUST SAY NO. Do not, under any circumstances, yell BRAIIIIIINZ and continue eating/imbibing. It will only end in tears. Tears that your sorry, dehydrated ass can ill afford to shed.

More photos to come this evening.

Wyoming is Cattle Country: EAT BEEF*

*I must have seen twenty of those on I-90. I-90, by the by, has become the highway that I cannot escape. All roads lead to I-90. I was a little frustrated, but now I'm totally going to miss it.

One of the bajillion things named after Bufallo Bill. This is the Reservoir. And it is BEAUTIFUL.



The fabulous sign in Cody. I have no idea what the parrot has to do with the fairy or vice versa.



The sky is actually those colors. Real, actual, shades of blue.


Blitzen, my noble steed! In the pass along the way to South Dakota. I love that car.

Sioux Falls to Minneapolis

Miles: 255

Car Hours: 7

Miles per gallon: 33.799

Pit Stops: Walnut Grove and Sleepy Eye

American Landmarks: Plum Creek, Walnut Grove, and Sleepy Eye

Bonnets Purchased: One, red.

Minutes Spent Consulting About Bonnet: Fifteen. [Graham, you really need to figure out how to comment on this thing. Surely you have IT?]

Weather: Light snow. Nothing compared to South Dakota.

I may have to move to Orlando.

I have to get on the road, but I would just like to say that Alan Grayson is just winning.



I promise that this whole thing won't be taken up with political stuff. But Alan Grayson is awesome. And I'm going to post about him again, because he's been awesome for a while now.

Okay then. On to Walnut Grove.

You're the one who went on that cruise.

WORD:



And remember, no matter how frustrating it gets to watch Obama dragging his feet, it could be worse. You could be one of thirty Republican dickheads who voted against Al Franken's bill.



that would withhold defense contracts from companies like Halliburton if they restrict their employees from taking workplace sexual assault, battery and discrimination cases to court. Based on, of course, the story of Jamie Leigh Jones, whose KBR co-workers drugged her, raped her, and locked her in a cargo container. But thanks to her Halliburton contract, she was initially denied her day in court. Because gang-rape totally counts as a workplace liability. Under Bush, the DOJ buried it. The court recently acknowledged that gang rape was not a workplace injury and gave her a day in court.

Kay Bailey Hutchison voted in favor.

Cornyn voted against.

To paraphrase CJ: You know, if I was living in Qumar, I wouldn't be allowed to say 'Shove it up your ass, Cornyn,' but since I'm not: Shove it up your ass, Cornyn!

Deadwood to Sioux Falls

Miles: 392

Car Hours: 7

Miles per gallon: 33.64 and 31.648

Pit Stops: Rapid City and Mitchell

Time Zones: Mountain to Central

Old Lady Moment of the Day: I now have to use my pack pillow for lumbar support. Seriously.

Audio Book Completed: John Adams by McCullough. Which was awesome!

Audio Books Purchased: A Lot. But they keep me awake much more effectively than the music. Also, they are very edumacational.

Important Graves Visited: 0. Mt. Moriah Cemetery was closed! And I really, really wanted to see Calamity Jane's grave. She does not get enough respect. Like Anne Bonny and Mary Read, outlaw women everywhere get shafted. Calamity Jane needs a RESPECT macro.

Best Proper Noun: Cactus Flats. Which I got a kick out of, particularly, because of the Foxtrot compilation Say Hello to Cactus Flats.

American Landmark: De Smet, South Dakota. Where Laura Ingalls and her husband Almanzo Wilder courted and married.

Uncomfortable Revelation of the Week: Nellie Oleson was just a cover for other Little House villains! Did you know about this? There was one more than one catty bitch in the Wild West. And they all got morphed into Nellie Oleson. I feel cheated! Shut up, Graham.* I can hear you rolling your eyes from South Dakota.

I'm beginning to suspect that tomorrow's visit to the Laura Ingalls Wilder Museum could be traumatic. That being said, I'm totally buying myself a bonnet. Oh yeah. I am.

*The name has been changed to protect my very best friend who is not innocent at all, really.

Cody to Deadwood

Sounds like it could be the title of a Western, no?

Miles: 358

Car Hours: 7.5

States: 2

Miles per gallon: 34.24 (!) and 35.8 (!!!) Cruise control is your friend.

Best Proper Noun: Crazy Woman Creek, Wyoming

Weather: Snowing!

Yellowstone

Emerald Springs. Looks beautiful. Smells like death. It gets its beautiful green color from the naturally refracted blue of the water and the bright yellow sulfur that the pool is lined with.



This is the Steamboat Geyser. It's apparently quite unpredictable, but it gurgled a little while I was there. The geyser-gazers got a little worked up about it. I don't know how exciting it can be standing around in a cloud of eyelash-melting sulfur waiting for geothermic shit to happen...but it has to be more exciting than baseball.



A nice little shot of the Norris Basin through the trees.



What, ho! Majestic bison!



Ah yes, the noble beast. At an appropriately dignified distance. No sooner had I pulled back onto the road than...


HOLY SHIT! BUFFALO IN FRONT OF MY CAR!

He then proceeded to play chicken with me. He'd put a hoof forward, then back. Then forward, then back. I put the car in gear and he'd start to walk forward, then come back. Then forward, then back. And then....



I have HAD it with the motherfucking BISON on this motherfucking ROAD.

(Dad, it's a joke. I'll explain it later.)



Self-referential photo is self-referential. (And accidentally so)

Missoula to Cody

Miles Traveled: 414

Car Hours: 7

Miles per gallon: 28.755

States: 2

Best Proper Noun: Get 'R Done Septic [Stay classy, Montana.]
Runners Up: Manhattan and Belgrade [I know, right!]

Local Hero: People, I'm not entirely sure Buffalo Bill is dead. I think that's just a lie East Coasters made up to dilute the spirit of the man. Because he is all over this town. He is in my room. He is in the hallway. He is on an epic photo mural outside the elevators. The man and his handlebar moustache watched me eat dinner, from a wall that featured former Miss America Rodeo Winners--the tiara is part of the cowboy hat. HE IS EVERYWHERE. And I have the sneaking suspicion that he disapproves of all of us.

Best Exchange:

KJ: Is it always this windy?
Hostess: Oh sure, you bet.
KJ: Just the wind coming down off the mountain?
Hostess: Yep. All the time.
KJ: I'm not gonna lie, it scared the bejeezus out of me when I opened my car door.
Hostess: That so?
KJ: I'm from Texas. The air pressure drops that fast and you start looking for funnel clouds.
Hostess: Aw. Isn't that cute.

Seriously, with the wind. It reminds me of the night we camped next to the glacier. Or that time with the hurricane. Big Hair isn't a lifestyle choice here, it's an ACT OF GOD.

In and Around Missoula

As you can see, everything is dominated by the landscape.



A small path to the Blackfoot River. The whole area has been deforested with a vengeance. The name of the place? Milltown. These baby trees (in the protective mesh) are part of an effort to restore the area.


A backyard in Milltown. The river is lined with abandoned timber all up and down.



This Post Office in Bonner seems destined for Normal Rockwell.



These condemned houses, not so much.



Which is tragic, because they are beautiful.



See? I want one.



Birds on a wire! They made me nervous, because I could hear the electricity humming and crackling.

Missoula

Miles Traveled: Zero, round trip

Car Hours: 2

Miles per gallon: 32.03

Best Proper Noun: Second Nature Taxidermy (I was driving way, way too fast for a dashboard picture)
Runner Up: The C'mon Inn



Great Things About Montana:
-Texas-sized highway lanes and parking spots
-Speed "Limits". So far as I can tell, the only prohibitions are the speed of the car in front of you and your engine.
-These people love their big dogs. Usually, you see them ridings shotgun in a pick-up. Not so, with this gentleman...



Yes, you're seeing that right. He's going through the Starbucks drive-thru with his Great Dane's head sticking through the sun roof. In the words of an Aussie friend of mine: shine on you crazy diamond.

Idaho

Redundant picture is redundant!




Unplanned detour. This is by Catholic Creek, just over the border.




Idaho 64. I pulled over and rolled down my window.




An old church in Nezperce




And this is where I aged 4.7 years. Approximately.

You see, when one sees a road with an official-type label, like "Idaho 64", one expects--oh, I don't know--A ROAD. But then I ran into the "No Pavement for 7 Miles" sign. And I thought: Hey, seven miles. I can handle that no problem. Wait. Why are my ears popping?

And then it turned out I was driving down the side of the Clearwater River Basin. There was no pavement, no shoulder, and no guardrail. Just those little metal sticks with reflectors. 25 was the posted speed limit, but I stuck with something closer to 10, while I imagined the locals in Kamiah watching me die a fiery death while their conversation went like this: "Yep. 'Nother stoopid tourist." "Yep. Betcha they were driving some pussy import." "Yep. Betcha it wasn't even four wheel drive."

It went on like that for forty minutes. When I got to the bottom, I felt like one of those ancient mariners who steer their boats home, only find their fingers frozen to the tiller. I pried my fingers off of the wheel, stepped out to get some air, and promptly set off my own car alarm. I'm that smooth.

After that, LoLo pass was like a walk in the park. I went through that thing like an old pro.

Washington State

A lot of granaries and silos on this stretch.



Dashboard Photography on US 12



Waitsburg Grange #1



The coffee place in Pomeroy. The brew was questionable, but the pun was awesome.



Second and Biscuit Ridge.

Walla Walla to Missoula

Miles Traveled: 325

Car Hours: 7

States: 3

Time Zones: 2

Pit Stops: Waitsburg, Winchester, Kamiah

Years Aged: 4.7

Miles per gallon: 31.64 and 31.56

Best Proper Noun: LoLo Hot Springs (should be in Nevada, not Montana)

Best Exchange:

Walla Walla's only Radio Shack. 10:01 am. There's one other person there, a young man with a few interesting piercings and absolutely no identification or logo that identifies him as an employee. He's either robbing the place or he can sell me a camera. Or both. He sells me a camera.

Dude: Do you like pink?
KJ: Um. Why?
Dude: Because, I have last year's Cyber Shot in the back. It's half off and it's a great camera. But the only color left is pink.
KJ: Well then I love pink. Can't get enough of it. Pink pink pink pink pink.
Dude: ....
KJ: Right. Well, then. I have to run next door to Albertson's. I'm all out of granola. I'm just going to leave the battery here so it can charge.
Dude: Actually, you can't. Store policy.
KJ: Are you sure? [Damn. Should have taken off the sweatshirt before I came in here.]
Dude: Yeah, it's a liability thing.
KJ: But...I have to get in the car, you see. It's going to be a really long drive. [Should I take it off now? No, better to save the big guns for later.]
Dude: I dunno.
KJ: Please. You'd be my hero. [I cannot believe I'm doing this. Think of the pictures, KJ. Think of the pictures.]
Dude: Okay. But you have to promise to come right back.
KJ: Scout's honor. Thanks!

Seattle to Walla Walla

Miles Traveled: 263

Car Hours: 5

Pit stops: North Bend

Best Proper Noun: Iron Horse Trail (sounds like a sweet Jimmy Stewart movie)
Runner Up: Desert Aire (it's the French 'e')
Honorable Mention: Salmon Sac (oh come ON)

Best Speed Trap: I-90 Roslyn Exit (cars pulled over in both directions)

Pictures: None. My camera kicked the bucket.

Best Exchange:

KJ: So...there's no beer?
Kiosk Attendant: No.
KJ: You're sure.
Kiosk Attendant: I'm sorry, but there's no beer.
KJ: Well then I guess it's a good thing I've got a bottle of tequila in the car.
Kiosk Attendant: ....

To be fair, the bottle was a gift from a colleague who knew me very, very well. Cheers.